So now, The Mind’s Eye being out, I’m left with the subject of hallucinations, mostly visual hallucinations, but there are hallucinations of smell, of hearing, of touch, of taste, any sort of hallucination, hallucinations of being out-of-body, hallucinations of being in heaven, hallucinations of seeing God. They’re all okay with me, although I am excluding psychotic hallucinations, schizophrenic hallucinations, because this in itself is such a vast subject that it needs to be part of a book, in a book on schizophrenia which, sooner or later, I may write, I don’t know.
But now, not in a steady way, alas, I am not a steady writer. I have sudden bursts and block. I proceed in jerks, but the jerks add up and now I’ve jerked out most of the 15 chapters of a book on hallucinations. It’s going to... it’s going to have to be smoothed over, it’s a bit rough at the moment, but I would like to see it. And... a morbid anticipation of death and of something or hopeless decline and deterioration has, if anything, increased with age although, on the one hand, although it’s been somewhat diminished by seeing my good analyst for... for many years. But each time I write something, it’s a stake in life and I... I want to see it and say, ‘Here, I’m still here. I don’t know whether I’ll be here tomorrow, but I’m here now’. I wish Ralph could’ve seen his book.